Winter and summer in Muriwai.
Blazes of blight sun rays gush through the creamy coloured clouds and dance passionately along Muriwai beach. Making the griming washed-up seaweed turn crisp. Silently, the nasty black sand lies. Frying and sizzling the souls of surfers feet as they leg it across the opening stretch of sand. Beneath the sandy surface lies a rusting piece of metal, abandon and waiting to be found. Waiting for the entrancing pleasure of racing up and down the beach again, before it became a car reck.
1000s of vibrant red flowers burst out of the pohutukawa trees. Greener than ever flax bushes thrived, sprouting and expanding all over the show. Bright red and green fill everybody’s eyes taking over, hypnotising with its magnificent glow. One after another, people gather and start to form a long wiggly line outside Sand dunes cafe, must be that time of the day, time for a sweet treat. A sticky river gashed down the sides of kids arms, like syrup on pancakes but instead its just melted ice cream. A bitter tang stings the inside of the towns nostrils, salt overrides all other smells in this town.
In a gentle sway, the tussocks lean side to side in-sink like a choir in the humid summer breeze. Directly below the swaying tussocks stood a gigantic sand dune. Day by day getting smaller, as chunks of sand crack and plummet down the sandy slope.
Soft, crumbling waves lap up and down the beach, making a gentle background sound. Engulfed by the waves surfers skilfully duck dive thought the salty water. Slashing across the black sand water slowly creeps in. Footprints left by playing kids and sprinting dogs wash away with every wave like a lost memory quickly forgotten. Wiping the sand clean like a duster on a whiteboard, preparing for a whole new day of footprints and joyful moments.
Aggressively the waves smash down onto the sand. A salty spray of water erupts into the sky, colliding with the freshwater that falls. Smooth sand sits there uninterrupted as no one dears to face the wild untamed storm. Tussocks almost flattened by the pressuring wind.
Small droplets of water hit the ground, creating a small puddle. A cool breeze leaks through the crack where the window doesn’t quite meet the frame. Loud creeks sound as the house vibrates and wobbles. Wind speeds through the gutters letting off an ear-piercing screech. Storms raged on as the town lay tucked up in bed.
A deep grumble explodes all around as blinding whiteness lights up the sky and strikes the water like a knife piercing into flesh. Trees angrily thrash left and right. A huge tangle of wires plummets towards the gravel road causing the whole town to go dark. Beds lay still and strong protecting the scared children that lay belief. A warm glow engulfs the darkness as emergency candles are lit.
Open signs turn to closed, as no one dares to go out in the storm. Shop keepers retire and race out to there cars preparing to a long ride home. Window wiper slice from side to slide trying to clear the rain as in hammers down aggressively. Headlights continue on not being stopped by the storm, the drivers wishing they were home and warm with there family. Wheels struggle to grip the tarseal road as water gashes everywhere. Gutters overflow as water swirls and bursts over. Rotton leaves break the surface, and tumble beneath the dirty brown water, looking for a way home. Just like the car on the road.
2 Comments
Add Yours →Hey Tamara!
You have been productive during the first two writing sessions. Well done!
A few things to think about:
– Check that each of your sentences makes sense. You have some which are incomplete and moments where you have used punctuation incorrectly.
– You have great moments of ‘show’. Look to build these up a little more. You need to strike a better balance between the figurative and the literal.
– Develop the details past a single sentence. You want aspects of your scene to ‘interact’ with each other. Using connective phrases, prepositions and conjunctions will help you do this.
Mrs P
Hey Tamara,
Nice work! You have been busy during the first four periods of this internal!
In the last four hours, have a think about:
– Paragraphs. At the moment, all of your ideas are sequenced in one big long stretch. You must identify the moments where a new paragraph is needed.
– There is a lot of ‘tell’ happening. As we discussed in class, let the verb you have selected show the reader what sense you are appealing to, rather than naming it (even with synonyms). Ensure you are appealing to a range of senses and using language devices such as personification and metaphor.
– During the final hours, you will need to edit this very carefully. At the moment, you have a lot of mechanical errors in this piece. Look for errors with grammar, punctuation and syntax. Check over your use of tense (keep it consistent and present). Reading your work out loud to yourself will help you to hear where you have made mistakes or your writing doesn’t sound quite right.
Mrs P